Big feelings abound these days. Feelings of outrage and anger over the destruction of the environment, abuses of democracy and the bike lanes in Victoria. Loud and audible disbelief about the conduct of world leaders. Dismay about the rise in grocery and fuel prices. Rage about the ways our neighbours thoughtlessly behave to the vulnerable people of this world.
I have all the empathy in the world for big feelings. The world feels particularly perilous and scary these days. Many more people are experiencing financial hardship outside of their control, climate disasters are increasing in severity and number, concerns about AI and misinformation are growing. These are just a few of the issues with which we grapple. Both experts and observation indicate that although the health impacts of the COVID-19 pandemic are largely resolved, prolonged exposure to chronic uncontrollable stress during the pandemic has led to increased anxiety and dysregulated nervous systems in many people. Big feelings are the logical response to all these stressors.
The problem is that these big feelings are coming out in ways that are disproportionate to the situation. Someone cuts you off and you make a rude gesture. A person expresses something you disagree with and you resort to a snarky comment and a withering look. In my role as Canon for Pastoral Support, I regularly hear of yelling in meetings, wildly accelerated and spreading gossip, loud outrage over decisions taken by leadership and dismissive and disdainful treatment of fellow parishioners. This is obviously of great concern to everyone.
“If it is possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all” (Romans 12:18) is not an empty encouragement, it is one of the many things we are called to as Christians. I believe that it is easier to control things you understand. Doing the challenging work of understanding the root of big feelings is one of the things within our control.
Why am I having such a big reaction to this inconvenience? Oh, this reminds me of how helpless I felt when I saw on last night’s news another typhoon devastated the Philippines.
How come I am experiencing such outrage over the staffing change at church? Ah, I remember how powerless I felt about the fight I had with my spouse and how I couldn’t make them understand my point of view.
Why am I so offended that the minister brushed off my concern? I realize this feels the same as when I hear scientists calling for specific change to slow global warming and political leaders turn a deaf ear.
The discipline necessary to become self-reflective and to self-monitor is in our control and one of the skills we are called to master. Many of us find it a disturbing skill to learn, as we are unfamiliar with our feelings and it is easier to react and blame others. Start small: train yourself to notice a big feeling first. Simply identify it: that’s a big feeling. Keep noticing each time you have a bigger feeling than expected. Next try to name the feeling. If you are interested in expanding your emotion naming capacity, search “feeling wheel” in Google. There are lots of great resources to find descriptions beyond happy, sad, angry and fearful. As you progress, use the skill of curiosity: What’s underneath this feeling? What situation does this remind me of? What is the feeling about? Finally, discipline yourself to distinguish between small problems and big problems and act accordingly. May the peace of Christ be always with you.
