Last month I asked us to think about the stories we tell ourselves. Now it’s time to start taking some risks with this curiosity stuff. Let’s turn our curiosity outwards and use it as a tool for creating deeper connections with one another. Buckle up — this one is challenging.
What might happen if we found our self in the grip of one of these stories and instead of keeping it to ourselves, we decided to be brave and build healthy relationships and speak our inner stories out loud? It might sound something like this:
“The story I am telling myself is that you didn’t respond to my text because you are angry at me.”
“The story I am telling myself is that you cancelled on me again because you no longer want to be friends.”
“When you made that comment, the story I was telling myself is that you were blaming me and thinking I was stupid.”
Did your stomach clench? Mine sure did. My knee jerk reaction is to equate that sort of vulnerability with neediness. Who in the world would make themselves that unprotected and show their inner workings in such an insecure way?
I am wrong, though. It takes wisdom and courage to take relational risks. In her book Rising Strong, Brené Brown advocates taking a chance and externalizing these stories. She talks about how, when these internal stories arise out of an interaction, we cycle between approaches of kind self-awareness (I bet there is something else going on here) and strategies that prioritize self-protection (I can’t believe he said that. What a rude jerk!).
With either of those approaches the story stays inside of us. In Rising Strong, Brené turns the phrase “the story I am telling myself” outward, using it as a tool to help us challenge our inner stories. This tool can build resilience and healthy relationships with our people and our community.
A couple of weeks ago, the lectionary gospel reading was John 4, the story of Jesus and the woman at the well where Jesus broke social, gender and racial barriers by speaking directly to a Samaritan woman and offering her “living water” (eternal salvation). I’ve always wondered what was going through the woman’s mind when she and Jesus were talking.
I find myself tensing when I hear this gospel passage. I imagine the story she is telling herself going something like this: He’s only asking me for a drink so he can mock me. He’s asking for my husband because he’s heard the rumours and he’s actually calling me a loose woman. Perhaps the conversation was moving fast enough that she didn’t get caught in the stories she might have been telling herself.
If the internal stories you are telling yourself are keeping you in a loop and you want to get out of your head and into a constructive conversation, try the following:
- First, take a breath and remind yourself that you are the beloved of God. Find your internal kindness and courage;
- Then say, “The story I am telling myself is….” and finish the phrase with a worry or fear. This might sound like: “The story I am telling myself is that you aren’t responding to my texts because you no longer want to be friends”;
- Then, say nothing. Wait for the person to respond. Hopefully, a productive conversation ensues.
Big steps, little steps, stumbling steps, faltering steps — all can help us to live courageously into the fact that we are the beloved of God. The Kingdom of God is here and now, and genuine connections are worth the risk.
