I have a vivid imagination and one of the things I do to entertain myself when I’m waiting is make up stories about people using clues from what they are wearing, their body language, how they are interacting with those around them and whatever else my imagination can grab hold of. These harmless stories entertain me and help pass the time.
I know lots of people have a storytelling habit like me. It’s fun, free and keeps us off our phones. I also know that a lot of people have a storytelling habit that goes much deeper and seriously impacts the way they move through life.
He didn’t phone me back because he’s mad at me.
She is purposely delaying emailing me the information because she thinks I should already know the answer to the question I asked and wants to shame me.
They didn’t invite me to the event because I don’t matter to them.
He reacted angrily to me because I messed up again and this proves I’m stupid.
I have been a part of number of interesting conversations in the last couple of weeks, some of them extremely difficult and painful. In one conversation, the participants were curious, open, careful to think before they gave voice to their opinions, eager to hear other’s thoughts and intentional about making sure no one was interrupted or rushed. Hard decisions were made with relationships and dignity intact.
In another conversation, a person thought it was their responsibility to intervene on behalf of someone feeling hurt, they made accusations veiled as concerns and assumed a negative motive for someone’s action — the conversation was a disaster. There is a rift in that relationship that has yet to be repaired.
Lord knows we all make mistakes. One of the biggest mistakes we make in human interactions is the stories we tell ourselves about another person’s motives or reactions to us. This is wildly amplified when we are feeling emotional or protective of someone else who is having a big emotional reaction.
We impute malice, assume the worst in people’s words, lose perspective about how heavy or light the message might be and grab with both hands any evidence that confirms the biases we already hold. It’s one thing to read this, nod sagely to ourselves and think, of course Lisa is speaking the truth. We know this. However, when we are right in the middle of it, we are almost always blind to the stories we tell ourselves.
I’ve been talking about curiosity for the last couple of months and this month I want us to turn our curiosity inwards again. Can you start to surface within yourself the stories you tell yourself during challenging interactions? Your self-talk might sound something like, I might not have all the information I need right now. What story is my big reaction telling me? What other explanation might fit?
Some of us might also find it helpful to add something along the lines of: Even if she is angry at me, everyone makes mistakes and I can reach out and repair the rift. As you do so, I encourage you to remind yourself each time: I am the beloved of God.
Big feelings are uncomfortable, but nothing separates us from the love of God in Christ. Let’s grow our capacity for tolerating big feelings together without succumbing to the stories we tell ourselves.
