I’ve been reflecting on how often I’m caught unawares in situations where I’m expecting one thing and something entirely different happens. Not the happy coincidence sort of difference, where you leave the situation with a good story or a warm feeling, but the sort of difference that leaves you feeling at best slightly unmoored and at worst, troubled, angry or hurt.
In 2018, my friend Suzanna was in Europe for a sabbatical and had arranged to meet up with her brother, Jake, and his wife, Sophia (one of my closest friends) in Lisbon for a long weekend to celebrate Sophia’s 40th birthday. So, Suz and I hatched a plan that I would fly in to surprise Sophia. What could possibly go wrong?
Um, the fact that both of us had forgotten or didn’t truly know that Soph hated surprises? Or perhaps the fact that without telling Suz, Soph was considering this trip to Portugal as her long-delayed honeymoon and had said “yes” to meeting Suz for the weekend to be polite? Without dwelling on the details, the surprise did not bring the joy we had intended and ended up falling flat. I was crushed and everything felt awkward.
We visited Bélem, known for its famous pastel de nata (Portuguese egg custard tarts). As part of our explorations, we were looking forward to visiting the Museum of Art, Architecture and Technology. We arrived at the museum and purchased our tickets, but when I turned around to find my friends, no one was waiting for me.
Jake was wandering in one direction, putting his headphones on, and Soph was already over at the other side of the hall, looking at an exhibit. I had assumed we’d wander the museum together, chatting and enjoying each other’s company. I was still feeling wrong-footed that my surprise had landed flat, and I’d hoped the visit would give us a low-key way to connect and ease past the tension. When no one was waiting for me, I immediately felt a rush of shame and anger. The story I was telling myself was that I was being rejected and punished. This was their way of showing me how much I wasn’t wanted.
What I didn’t know was that Soph and Jake had long ago worked out a system whereby they normally parted ways on outings like this, as Jake is very introverted and prefers his own company and zero chit chat when viewing art. Soph is equally happy to wander and see what catches her attention. One of the ways they love connecting is exchanging their thoughts and stories afterwards. They moved smoothly into their system and I was left floundering.
I would like to tell you that I immediately realized I was telling a story in my head, but that simply isn’t true. I skulked around the museum close-ish to Soph and was offended by Jake’s behaviour. It never occurred to me to be curious about whether this was normal for them. I tucked the hurt in deep and kept looking for more evidence that things were wrong between all of us.
In her January column, Bishop Anna invited the diocese to let go of our accumulated grievances and reminded us that we can only move at the speed of trust: “As we begin 2026, I invite all of us in the diocese to be honest, with ourselves and one another about our accumulated grievances. Then find ways to do the work of truth telling, repentance and forgiveness.” As we are getting close to the halfway mark of the year, I am calling us back to this exhortation from our bishop.
The Portugal story surfaced for me this week because a few days ago, Soph and I “visited” over a video call. We have lived in different provinces since 2016 and keep in touch via text and FaceTime. Our friendship suffered after the Portugal trip. It took us time to repair things. We tried hard to listen carefully to each other’s perspectives and find ways to live with the reality that something broke during that trip. We gave each other space and time.
I think what finally worked is that we let go of any grievance we had with each other. I love Soph, the way her mind works, the way she loves Jesus and smashes the patriarchy, her eye for art, how truthful she is and how widely she opens her heart to love. I know how much she loves and admires me as well. The fact is, we chose to stay friends, and we both know we are richer for this choice.
It’s time: let accumulated grievances go. Be honest with yourself and with one another. Find the ways to do the work of truth telling, repentance and forgiveness. Reach out to me if that’s hard and you and your parish need encouragement and help. Do this work because it’s worth it and God calls us to do it. Know in your bones that God walks with us, before us and behind us, equipping us and calling us into truth and healing.
