It’s the season of spring buds, early cherry blossoms, new daffodils, longer days and …. parish vestry meetings. Depending on your personal preferences, some of these things might be more exciting than others. I know we all love a good meeting but if you’re anticipating a slightly bumpy ride at your parish AGM, read on.
The business of the church can bring up a lot of different feelings. Some of us find business matters exciting and easy, while others find it a necessary but tedious chore. Let us take a moment to give thanks for the saints among us who prepare reports and budgets, format information in a (hopefully) understandable way, organize the rooms where the meetings will take place, provide childcare, clean up after the meetings and do all the other things that are necessary but often invisible.
However, our gratitude might start showing some gaps when we’re presented with ideas that don’t match our hopes for how our parish might use its sparse funds. Or when someone attacks our brilliant idea — the one we’ve worked so hard on for months.
How come they don’t understand the importance of this program to our parish? How on earth does someone think it’s a priority to label the Tupperware with specialty stickers, so it is returned to the church kitchen, and why are they wasting my time with this motion? Why hasn’t everyone read all the materials? Why are they asking stupid questions and talking about how things used to be three incumbents ago? Can’t the others in the parish see things the way I see them and behave the way I think is appropriate!?
Last month I invited us to commit to curiosity. The need for curiosity is especially great during situations where we find ourselves getting reactive and angry. It is also important for the times we are bored, impatient, dismissive, weary, sad or wanting to give up in exasperation. I am not suggesting that these reactions are typical in annual vestry meetings and planning meetings, but I would be very surprised if every person in the room was having a calm and peaceful meeting.
When a conflict is arising in a big group meeting like an AGM, it tends to go one of two ways. If it moves into an external conflict, people may start reacting verbally. Often these reactions are of the unhelpful variety. Communication shuts down quickly and people are unable to listen clearly, give space to each other, explore information productively or make united decisions.
In the other direction, people do not voice their concerns or ask questions, often out of a sense of futility, or not wanting to rock the boat or be seen to be argumentative or ignorant. This silence masks their very real concerns, all of which they will voice to their friends after the vote has been taken, jeopardizing unity in the parish and often the decision itself.
We must master the skill of pausing and getting curious when we find ourselves starting to react internally. This is an inward focused curiosity. It might sound something like this: Oh, I can feel myself starting to react. What is it am I reacting to? We are training ourselves to create space internally so we can decide on next steps.
Pausing and being curious creates the necessary gap so that we do not wound ourselves or others. Strategically used, curiosity helps us slow down so we can speed up. If a bell is ringing inside you, likely it is ringing inside others. Are you noticing that information is missing? Are the explanations not making sense to you? Are you realizing that what looks like anger is masking fear or grief? Getting to the root of the actual issue rather than rushing to chaotic problem solving helps clarify conversations and surface genuine issues and useful information.
I can think of endless potential internal dialogues that might arise in tricky AGMS, but here are a few illustrations:
I can’t believe we’re talking about the tree again. What a waste of time! We dealt with this years ago. Wait — I’m assuming that we’re talking about the same issue as years ago. Is that correct? Do I have all the info I need here? Should I risk looking stupid and ask a clarifying question? Maybe I could ask what is important about this tree and this proposed course of action?
When she starts criticizing this motion we’ve worked so hard on, I feel immediately defensive and want to shout ”Why don’t you step up and figure out something better?” Is she genuinely being critical or is she pointing out things we potentially missed? Even if I don’t like her tone, are there any helpful things that are being pointed out?
I am so annoyed that we are dealing with this issue again. I can’t even be bothered to speak up. I know my friends feel the same way as me. Oh — I recognize this pattern. I check out and then complain later. That’s starting to feel like a dishonest way of being in community. What am I scared about that makes me not want to speak up?
I’m shocked by how angry I feel right now. What’s going on for me? Oh — anger reminds me that the things we are talking about really matter to me. What is it that matters most to me? Can I break it down into simple parts? How could I participate constructively right now and voice how much this matters to me?
May the God who loves us and calls us to love each other bless your curiosity and strengthen your ability to pause before reacting.
